so, Last.

plis, ingetin gue.

this is the last posting that i write about him. plis plis. ingetin gue.

so, we started from....... n o w.

you know, i do know everything about him for like, 2 or 3 years. 

dan menurut gue, waktu itu enggak cukup buat gue untuk menarik kesimpulan kalo dia itu udah sama yang lain.

ih jijik banget. geli gue sama kalimat diatas. gue kek, ngemis cintanya dia. Astagfirullah.

honestly, gue bener-bener ngerasa, gue kehilangan dia banget. banget.

dan menurut gue, wajar ketika gue sadar kalo gue kehilangan dia disaat gue udah sadar kalo dia itu no longer to me, be there for me, or do anything yang bakalan dia lakuin buat gue. tapi dia lakuin itu semua, ke cewe nya.

so what?

People come and go. friend leaves us. our parents grow old. and

all we have to do is just keep growing up. Just keep breathing.

Kenapa? Yang gue tau,

“ketika kita kehilangan seseorang, Tuhan sudah menyiapkan seseorang yang baru, yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Dan ketika kita kehilangan sesuatu, Tuhan pasti menggantikannya dengan yang lebih baik.”

Guess what?

Gue ngerasa sedih sekaligus bodoh.

Gue ngerasa seneng sekaligus gila.

Why I just kept this (freak) feelings to him? Why I still into him? Why I still into him while he justs into someone else?

Pertanyaan paling sadis yang pernah gue pertanyakan kepada diri gue sendiri.

Sebegitu sayang-nya kah gue sama dia sampe-sampe gue gak sadar kalo there is someone or somewhat yang be there for me even justs for a day or sit with me and drink coffee in the rain? Eh, gue sadar. Gue belum nemu orang yang kaya gitu. Gue belum nemu orang yang be there for me. Gue belum nemu orang yang gue yakin banget kalo dia itu be there when I am at high and down. Then I started to realized,

Kapan gue bakalan nemuin orang yang be there when I am at high and down kalo gue masih kaya gini? I mean, masih galauin dia?

This posting could be the important one. One of the most important. Hahah.

So, gue mencoba move on. Gue jauhin hal-hal yang masih berbau dengan dia. And I realize,

Di hp gue, masih ada foto nya dia. Foto jadulnya dia.

Di laptop gue, di folder terpendam gue, masih ada fotonya dia. Foto jadulnya dia (juga).

Di hp blackberry gue (sebelum di servis dan di clear data), masih ada fotonya dia.

Tenang. Gue maklumin kok kalo lo semua bakalan bertanya-tanya seperti ;

You really love this guy. Aren’t you?

Sebelum gue membalas pertanyaan itu, gue punya lirik lagu.

It’s time to begin. Isn’t it?

I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit

I’m just the same as I was

Now don’t you understand?

I’m never changing who I am.

Dan ketika ada yang bertanya seperti itu, gue Cuma bisa tersenyum dan ngejawab seadanya dan gue Cuma bisa jawab ;

“He’s been quite an inspiration of my life for this 2 or 3 years.”

So I ask you something. Pacar pertama bukan selalu Cinta pertama. Dan Cinta pertama enggak selalu Pacar pertama.

Am I right, folks?

And I was thinking that,

He is my first love.

Ecie.ecie.ecie.ecie.

Penting gak sih kalo gue jujur kaya gitu? Hahaha. So gue jujur. Ya he is it. You know, how hard I am trying for this 2 or 3 years enough to get over him and I realize, I am never changing. Gue stabil. Gue gak berubah. Gue masih gak bisa move on dari dia.

Mungkin gue gak mau banyak cerita kali ini karena mmm lo pasti pernah ngerasain kaya gini dan mungkin aja lo pernah ngerasain rasanya susah move on tuh kaya gimana.

Dan, the fool thing yang pernah gue lakuin ke diri gue sendiri disaat gue (dengan beraninya) ngegreet dia di salah satu media social/Chatting network. Gue gamau sebut. Nanti kegep, gue makin malu. You know what? I still miss him. Miss the way we talked. The way we laugh (emangnya kita pernah ketemu ya? aduh maaf ya) the way we advice each other. the way we friends. The way we feel infinite. And missing is just a part of moving on. Dan semenjak gue memberanikan diri untuk greet dia duluan setelah bbrp tahun gue mencoba menghilang, gue sadar.

Ya. hatinya bukan buat gue.

Then…………………from 2/3 years ago, I started to write. I write anything (that I love, actually). You know, once you love something, you just feel like that you….. addicted. Lo kaya kecanduan dengan hal tersebut. Then so do I, gue kecanduan menulis. You know what? I prefer write this thing to my essay from my language teacher (oh I am so sorry, teacher). I write all day long (dulu). Dan,

Gue sadar.

Semua tulisan (read : cerpen a k a cerita pendek) yang gue buat.

Semua tulisan yang gue sebar.

Semua tulisan yang ada di blog ini.

Semua tulisan yang gue pendem.

Semua tulisan yang gue buat capek-capek dan akhirnya gue hapus filenya.

Ada sisi dirinya. Dan gue sama sekali enggak sadar. Gue enggak sadar kalo gue menghidupkan tokoh with his personality. Gue enggak sadar kalo dialog yang gue buat, ternyata salah satu nya termasuk dialog gue sama dia. Gue enggak sadar.

Gue juga sadar. Disaat gue no longer need him like ago.

Alhamdulillah nya sih gitu.

Dan setelah gue memberanikan diri melakukan hal itu semua. Gue pernah coba berhenti nulis. Then, I can’t. and my friend said :

“He justs like, your star. He justs like, your inspiration. And he is no longer need that title from you. And you should find another.”

gue pun suka denger lagu. (everybody do that, actually) terus hal yang pertama kali gue titik beratkan ketika gue denger lagu, adalah

The lyric and meaning.

so, i have one of the lyric song that i ever loved. so terdengarnya, seperti ini ;;

You build me up, make me what i never was.
You build me up, from nothing into something.

you know. gue emang udah suka nulis dan baca cerita cerita before i met him but i realized, setelah bertemu dengannya, setelah mmmmm had an experiences with dia, i realized, that he builed me up from nothing into something. something that made me (more) love myself. something that made me smile everyday (not really, i fake a smile). something that really made my day. something that i could not ever how to tell you. something that really sweets. something important. something real. something in never land (?).

My friend was right.

And it took a while to find another could better than him, toh?

Yeah, it took a while.

So. I want to tell you this one. For the last.

Thank you for being my good friend.

I know you do.

Even we don’t close like ago,

You still my friend. And I hope someday

Hope that we could be a close friend like past

Without any different vibe or different feelings that

We did for another years ago.

I know we did the wrong thing and we just feel so lost.

I am lost for this 2 or 3 years. And you do not know that.

I feel so lost. I can’t find my star again.

I feel so lost. I lost my best friend.

So, I lost you.

Thank you for being my good boyfriend even justs one day.

I know you do.

Even we don’t close like ago.

I still remember, ALL OF YOUR WORDS that you have said to me.

The way we laughed, I love.

The way we talked all night long, I love.

The way we advice each other, I love.

The way we argue, I love.

The way we feel so sorry to each other, I love.

The way we feel infinite, I love.

The way we feel being in love each other, I am so in love.

Thank you for being such a good human.

I am very thankful, God. For making me met him.

I am very thankful,

So this one,maybe will forever,

I hate our everything we did in past.

So. Thank you.

-Mutia Novianti-