Everyone says, “There has to be more of life” which it includes the whole deep meaning of it. Well, yes.
1 tahun belakangan ini
Someone has no thing to write about. She is in her slump phase. Even her education got a slightly impact.
So here, I want to explain why I don’t write for a year.
Selama 1 tahun enggak nulis apa-apa, rasanya gaenak.
Gaenak karena, dari kecil (dari smp) the first internet platform that I knew back then was “Blogger”. Dan jujur, beberapa temen kuliah gue pun dulu pas smp nya, pada punya blog masing-masing, “tapi udah gak nulis lagi mut.” Kata mereka.
Banyak yang menjadi alasan kenapa gue enggak nulis, esp selama 1 tahun. Dan banyak juga alasan-alasan yang menurut gue, gue mengakui kalau itu Cuma alasan sebagai pembenaran diri atas kenapa gue enggak nulis. Kaya, “gue lagi gak jalan-jalan” dan seperti hal-hal pembenaran diri demi menjauhi sesuatu.
Sebelum punya wordpress, gue punya blog (seperti temen-temen kuliah gue dulu). Yang tulisannya, ya seperti tulisan di era nya. And sometimes I feel proud of my past self while I was reading my own writing. “she was fearless back then. To write something like this”.
FYI, I am a college student. Industrial ones. So, orang-orang berekspektasi orang yang kuliah di jurusan gue itu, tugasnya banyak, mata kuliah nya campur-campur dan sebagainya. Which is r i g h t. Tetapi gue gak mau menjadikan studi gue sebagai alasan kenapa gue gak nulis, kenapa gue gak bisa nulis.
Mungkin ini menjadi alasan (yang semoga aja tidak terdengar seperti pembenaran diri) kenapa gue enggak nulis – I mean enggak mempublish tulisan gue ke media.
I had a slump for a year. Masuk ke umur 20. Like, gue mempertanyakan apa pun. Kenapa gue lahir, kenapa gue jadi manusia yang beragama, kenapa gue pake kerudung as a muslim woman, kenapa gue mau masuk teknik, kenapa gue dulu pernah pacaran, kenapa gue susah buat cerita ke temen-temen real life gue, kenapa gue fangirling, dan berbagai macam pertanyaan yang dimulai dengan kata, “Kenapa”.
Setelah gue bertanya-tanya, gue pun sadar. Gue termasuk orang yang logis. Enggak pernah mendengar kata hati. Well, I listened to her, but I don’t take it as an advice. To me, my brain’s voice are really my bestfriend until now. She knew me too well. Namun, tiba-tiba gue merasa dia menjadi seperti my heart’s voice. I don’t know why. Dan tiba-tiba gue sadar gue jadi orang yang sensitive. I feel like I wanna cry but I can’t. the tears wont come out. I hate it. Dan gue benci banget sama temen-temen gue yang mmm… gampang banget nangis, waktu itu. “kenapa mereka gampang nangis, kok gue enggak?” I tried a couple movies to watch they have recommended to me. I wasn’t cry. Dan itu bikin gue makin kesel sama diri gue sendiri.
Dan akhirnya, gue stress. Karena gue enggak bisa menjawab sebagian dari pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang gue tanya kepada diri gue sendiri. I feel like I am a failed person. Especially, I feel like I am a failed Asian, to my knowledge. Gue gak bisa apa-apa. Hidup gue stagnan. Gue bobrok banget. Gue gak ngerti apa-apa. Setiap kali gue suka sesuatu dan mau melakukan itu, ada dalam diri gue yang bilang, “lo tuh gak bakal sukses kalo lo lakuin ini” dan berbagai macam respon negative yang bener-bener bikin gue self-anxious dan it really kills me.
Selama 1 tahun ini juga, gue merasa gue kurang baca. Baca apa aja. Novel, modul kuliah, whatsoever. Dan setiap kali gue membaca tulisan orang (terutama orang-orang yang masih menulis dan punya blog) they made me pity myself. Mereka membuat gue malu sama diri sendiri, kenapa gue kemakan omongan dan pikiran negatif gue sendiri. Bukan hanya itu aja, tulisan mereka somehow seperti ngebuat gue buat nulis lagi, tapi I really had no intention to write. Dan sampe-sampe gue kepikiran sama 1 quote movie,
“What makes you a painter if you don’t paint?”
-The Art Of Getting By (2011)
Iya.
“What makes you a writer if you don’t write?”
Well, practically, I had my own diary, journal, whatever you called it. I write there for a year. Not daily, but when I really hate myself. Esp ketika pikiran itu datang. So maybe I kinda publish beberapa di sini, still I don’t know when. But you may look forward to it.
dan yang lucu nya, gue selalu nonton film itu disaat gue lagi down. karena setiap kali gue nonton film itu, gue nemu sesuatu, gue belajar sesuatu, dan lucunya, sangat berdampak banget buat diri gue sekarang. dulu gue nonton itu pas di tahun release nya, 2011. dan gue cuma nangkep film itu ngajarin kita buat semangat, kerja keras to achieve something. dan jujur, setiap kali abis nonton film itu, gue dapet “semangat” nya. gue selalu seneng gitu. film ini tuh deep banget menurut gue. dan gue gak akan mau ngebayangin diri gue bakalan kaya gimana kalo dulu pas 2011 gue enggak nonton film ini.
Let’s say, I am being self-anxious for almost a year. To be real, I kinda have a slight depression. For almost 2-3 months. To me, they are really a cancer. My health is not good too back then and I’m still recovering until now. They are really a bastard. Mereka berdua ngejadiin diri gue yang kesel sama diri gue sendiri. Dan yang paling parah nya lagi, I almost did not know who I am. Gue gak tau siapa diri gue sendiri. I know, they are really “jahat”. Dan yang membuat gue merasa gue jahat (juga) sama diri gue sendiri. Gue mendem. Well, I mean I am not someone who opens up easily. But for this time, gue merasa gue jahat banget sama diri gue sendiri kalo gue mendem hal yang kaya gini. So, I reached out a friend. An understandable ones. After that, I knew that I am going well. Let’s say, a self-love is about to come.
And after I’m recovered about my self-anxious and depression. Suddenly I miss my old self. I know it’s weird but since my past self especially my early teenage years, I love to write, I miss my self to write. Write something. Anything. Fiction especially. And I am happy I am aware of myself knowing that. And I hope I write a lot more than my teenage years era and my kinda mature enough writing is going more good since I’m going better myself.
To you who read this (lmao), I hope you’ll understand.
Here’s to many mutia’s writing in the future!
Ciao,
Mutihhh
